


Fake Girlfriend? Wrong Greyjoy

by sunkelles



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms
Genre: Bisexual Greyjoy Siblings, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Femslash, Humor, Theon and Asha have a healthy relationship though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 18:34:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4030321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkelles/pseuds/sunkelles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Theon asks Sansa to pretend to be his girlfriend for a Greyjoy family gathering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fake Girlfriend? Wrong Greyjoy

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: there is some transmisogyny in this fic. I thought y'all should know that going into this, in case you wanted to not read it because of that.
> 
> Also, I'm not around alcohol a lot so my descriptions might be.... off.

“You want me to do what?” Sansa asks, because she must have misheard him. Theon can’t have just asked her-

“Will you pretend to be my girlfriend?” He asks, trying to force a grin. It just makes him look desperate and uncomfortable.

“No,” Sansa says, shocked and disgusted that he would even _ask_ such a thing. Sansa suddenly understands why Theon asked her to go out for coffee (which is completely out of character). He needed to ask her to do _this._ She doesn't even think that she would be the best candidate to be his fake significant other. Why doesn’t he ask one of his numerous one-night stands? Or Robb? Or Jeyne? Either one of them would be a better choice than her. Robb is his best friend, and Jeyne is her best friend who would actually be glad to _be his girlfriend?_

“Please, Sansa,” he asks.

“Why do you need a fake girlfriend?” Sansa asks. If it were harvest festival time, she might have understood. Hells, she might have asked someone to pretend to be her girlfriend if it would have saved her mother’s botched attempts at matchmaking.

“It’s my grandsire’s name day,” he says. This information doesn’t answer her question.

“What?” She asks.

“We always have a Greyjoy family reunion,” he says, as if this should be obvious. Sansa doesn’t say anything.

“Please,” he says, “my family is full of assholes and if I don’t come home with a girlfriend this time my brothers will call me gay.”

“You _are_ gay,” Sansa says, confusion seeping into her tone, “I’m gay. We’re both gay, Theon.”

“ _I_ am bi,” he says, sounding more than a little insulted, “there’s a big difference.”

“Alright,” she says, “point taken.” She doesn’t point out the fact that people use gay synonymously with anything “not straight” and that _she_ is a huge lesbian.

“Please, Sansa,” he says, and he pouts out his lip.

“I’m not falling for it,” Sansa says. Theon just keeps pouting his lip, but this time he makes eyes like a puppy dog as well.

“Nope,” she says. He pouts his lip out farther. He looks so sad and pathetic and-

“Alright!” Sansa shouts, “but Seven, Theon, stop doing that.” Theon’s pouting lips curl into a big smile.

“Thanks, Sansa,” he says, and a sickly feeling sets in Sansa’s stomach. She can’t believe she just agreed to this.

“The party is next Friday,” he hastily says, “I’ll pick you up at eight.” Then he almost runs out of the coffee shop, and Sansa sighs into her hands.

 

She regrets this decision already.

* * *

 

 

Theon gets to her apartment a little before eight, and they both opt to listen to the sugary pop he had playing when she got in the car instead of speaking to each other. He parks his pretty little black sports car in the muddy parking lot by his grandfather’s bar, _Driftwood._ He gently touches his car, and looks mournfully at it as he realizes how much mud is coated on it.

“Come on, Theon,” Sansa says, “you can have a moment with your car when I’m not your girlfriend.” He sends one last sorrowful glance towards his car, and then holds his hand out for her to hold. Sansa rolls her eyes, but takes it. She did agree to this. She can hold his hand for a minute or two.

“Happy Greyjoy Fun Times start now,” Theon says with sarcasm so thick it drips off his words like drying paint. He opens up the door to the rundown, dingy looking bar. The lights inside the bar are dimmer than the streetlights, and Sansa almost chokes on all of the cigarette smoke.

“This is my beautiful girlfriend Sansa Stark,” Theon nearly yells, and it seems like the other inhabitants of the bar take a moment to look at them, and then turn back to their conversations.

 

“Oh,” a man with a thick and a bulky build says, as he gets up from his seat at the bar, “Little Theon actually has a girlfriend? We thought that you’d made her up.”

“Thanks Rod,” Theon says sarcastically, “thanks a lot.”

“I’m impressed,” another man says as he walks over, “she’s alive, and she’s actually a woman. Not some sort of drag queen.”

“Or a tranny,” Rod adds, and Sansa cringes at the wording. Another woman strides over confidently, and sends both the men a glare that puts them mostly in their place.

“Alright boys,” says the tall, lean woman with the strong nose and the thick, Ironborn accent, “you’ve had your fun. Now leave ‘er alone.”

“Asha,” the second one whines, “but-“

“Run along, Maron,” she says, “and go find the girl that’s stupid enough to date _you_.” Theon laughs out loud, and Sansa has to stifle one. She doesn’t bother trying to cover up her grin, though.

“And you are?” Asha asks. Sansa has apparently forgotten how to speak while looking at the intensely attractive, swashbuckling hero in front of her. Theon nudges her.

“I’m Sansa,” she blurts out, “Sansa Stark- Theon’s girlfriend.” Theon points to himself cockily (in a way that reminds her why she would never be attracted to him, even if she did like men).

“That’s a pity,” Asha says with a teasing little grin. Theon glares at her, but Asha just shrugs.

“Alright,” she says, “I think I’ll go drink a large amount of alcohol. Family reunions are the only time booze is free.” Sansa thinks that free booze is probably the only reason that this family ever reunites.

“Who are they?” Sansa whispers half-angrily.

“My siblings,” he says, “Rodrick, Maron and Asha.” Of course the gorgeous woman who looks like something out of one of her weird pirate fantasies just has to be _Theon’s sister._

 

They work their way around the bar, but no one is particularly interested in them. Sansa doesn’t know how she feels about this discovery. Theon’s father doesn’t seem to care that he exists, and his mother died years ago. His grandsire is asleep on the leather couch behind the bar, still sporting a scowl barely concealed by his greying beard.

 

Theon’s nuncles might be more unpleasant than his brothers, if such a thing is possible. Euron and Victarion come to blows and have to be dragged to the ER by Balon before she even has to talk to them, which she supposes is a blessing in disguise. Theon says that his Nuncle Euron thinks that he can see the future with his broken eye, and Victarion was accused of killing his ex-wife. They never actually found the killer, but Victarion was cleared because of a lack of evidence against him. This doesn’t install a lot of confidence in Sansa.

 

Nuncle Aeron starts trying to convert her to the Faith of the Drowned God the moment they sit down next to him. He has a bedraggled beard, and old Ironborn sayings tattooed all across his arms. He also has tales that she bets come straight out of his ass about people who came back from the Drowned God’s watery halls and rediscovered His glory. Sansa thinks that she’d rather try to ask a septa for sex advice than continue her conversation with this man. Theon seems to have zoned out, and is focusing intently on his cup of rum and coke.

 

Sansa finally understands why Theon was _always_ at their house growing up. She’s probably going to make sure that he gets back on all of their party lists now. After deciding this, Sansa flees to the other end of the bar, and ends up finding the only Greyjoy except Theon that she can tolerate. She sits down next to Asha, and orders a glass of summerwine. 

 

Sansa can tell that Asha’s at least a little drunk, and so is she. She doesn’t think that anyone could make it through a Greyjoy family gathering sober.

“Alright,” Asha says, “I can definitely see why Theon is dating you.”

“Thanks?” Sansa says, unsure how she should feel about this admission. She takes a swig of wine.

“Well,” Asha says, “you’re funny and sweet and gorgeous-”

“Are you flirting with me?” Sansa asks, with a teasing little lilt.

“What if I am?” Asha asks, more of a challenge than anything else.

“I have a boyfriend,” Sansa says, but the words come out much flirtier than she intended them to. Sansa is a flirty, flirty drunk. She should have stayed far away from the alcohol once she saw how attractive Asha was.

“I can see why my brother’s dating you,” Asha says, “but why the hells are you dating him? You can do much better than him.” Sansa takes a deep, nervous breath and tries to remember why she and Theon are kind of sort of friends. She realizes the fact that Jeyne has had a crush on him since freshman year of high school and bonding over being the only not-straight people in a friend group full of heterosexuals would not work for this situation.

She decides to take a different route, and try to guilt the other girl into changing the subject. Sansa raises an accusing eyebrow.

“Are you really trying to steal your brother’s girlfriend?” she asks, and she tries to keep the excitement out of her voice. She finds the idea much more exciting than she should.

“I love him to death,” Asha says, “but he’s immature and you’re… well. I dunno. You’re you.” Sansa raises another eyebrow, and wonders how any communication takes place in this family. _None_ of the Greyjoys know how to use their words.

“And he doesn’t seem that in to you,” Asha says, and yeah, that’s probably accurate because they aren’t _actually dating,_ “and you deserve better than that.”

Sansa must be more than a little tipsy, because the next words that come out of her mouth are, “oh come off it. We aren’t even dating.”  

“What?” Asha asks, and then a look passes over her face.

“Did he hire an escort?” She asks and she actually sounds _serious._

“No!” Sansa says, with a big of laughter, “he wasn’t that quite that desperate. I’m his best friend’s sister. He asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend as a favor.”

“Oh- Stark,” Asha says, “you’re Robb’s sister?”

“That’d be me,” she says.

“Dear god,” Asha says with a hint of laughter, “I can’t believe he had to pull in a favor to get a date for grandfather’s birthday part.”

“You didn’t have a date,” Sansa points out. She feels like she should at least defend Theon a little. He is her friend, and she was supposed to be posing as his girlfriend. She’s already fucked up the second part royally.

“Good point,” Asha acknowledges with a chuckle. Sansa sends her a look, asking for clarification.

“I got tired of the one-night stands,” she explains, “I guess I’ve just been waiting for the right person.” And by the Seven, if that isn’t the flirtiest thing that Sansa’s ever heard, she’ll fuck the Stranger.

“I really want to kiss your right now,” Sansa says, and she clamps her hand over her mouth.

“I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” she says, and she can feel her cheeks turn scarlet. The other woman laughs, which isn’t a particularly pleasant sound.

“I’d like to kiss you too,” she replies, and she starts to lean in. Sansa has to snap herself out of it. She can’t kiss Asha when she’s still pretending to be _Theon’s girlfriend._

“Everyone still thinks I’m dating your brother,” Sansa says, biting her lip.

 “So we shouldn’t kiss?” Asha asks.

“Probably not,” Sansa says, though isn’t excited about it.

“Sansuh,” Theon slurs, “I’m ready to leave.” Sansa can feel her eyes widen. The man is barely standing up straight, and she could barely understand what he said. Theon is in no condition to drive.

“Um, yeah,” she says, “just give me a second.” She reaches into her purse, and searches for a sheet of paper to write on. She only finds a pen and her checkbook. She briefly considers writing her number on a blank check before she realizes that that is an _awful_ idea. She grabs Asha’s hand, and writes her number on the heel. Asha looks surprisingly amused.

“If I don’t get a call from you in two days I’m calling you,” Sansa says.

“How’re you getting my number?” Asha asks.

“Theon,” Sansa says, and then Asha looks like she wants to bang her head against the wall for forgetting that particular detail.

“Are you hooking up with my sister?” Theon asks, looking to her in a sort of confused terror he might not be able to manage sober. 

“Hopefully,” Sansa says, sending the other woman a wink. Theon groans, but doesn’t reply.

“Give me the keys,” Sansa tells him, “There’s no way in any of the seven hells that you’re driving.” Theon doesn’t look pleased, but he gives her the keys.

 

Sansa finds that she doesn’t regret agreeing to pretend to be Theon’s girlfriend one bit.

**Author's Note:**

> Morals 
> 
> 1\. Theon and Asha's family SUCKS  
> 2\. Don't drink and drive kids


End file.
